


everything's different but nothing has changed

by CupcakeCait



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Fluff, M/M, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 06:44:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4337972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupcakeCait/pseuds/CupcakeCait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn and Liam see each other for the first time since Zayn left the band.</p>
            </blockquote>





	everything's different but nothing has changed

The second peal of the bell startled Zayn. He still wasn't used to answering the door for himself, or making his own bed, or getting his own groceries. They'd had so many handlers, and been surrounded by so many people, for so long, and enough time hadn't passed for him to get used the fact that he was almost always alone now.

He got up slowly, shaking off the last vestiges of his nap as he made his way to the door. He opened it to see the one person he'd been afraid would never forgive him for the rash decision he'd made back in March. He gave Liam a small smile, his lips just barely curling up at the edges, feeling a spark of hope that maybe everything could go back to the way that it used to be. Or that at least the most important person in his life might not hate him, as he'd feared he did for so many months.

He opened his arms and took a step forward, but Liam took a matching step back. The distance between them hadn't changed, but with that one move he felt farther away than ever to Zayn, even farther away than he'd felt with a continent between them.

"You left."

"Huh?" Zayn asked, thrown by Liam's harsh tone.

"You left. You left the band, without any explanation. You left  _me_ , without even saying goodbye."

"I...I had to, Li. I just couldn't do it anymore."

"Do  _what_ anymore?" Liam demanded, and yeah, this was nothing like the reunion that Zayn had imagined so many times.

"Any of it. The crowds, the fans, the songs...I'd had enough."

"So you didn't..." Liam began before huffing out a deep breath. "It wasn't just because of her, like everyone's saying?"

Zayn didn't need to ask whom Liam was talking about. Things had always been tense between him and Perrie. Liam'd had good reason to be upset whenever her name came up, considering the things Zayn said to him, late at night in hotel room after hotel room, when he had to admit that he didn't miss her at all, at least not when Liam was right by his side. For Perrie the animosity stemmed from something else, women's intuition or some primal instinct telling her that Liam was someone to watch out for, a threat to what she and Zayn had. She'd always seemed on edge on the few occasions the three of them had hung out together, and Zayn had quickly learned that it was in his best interest to keep the Liam part of his life and the Perrie part of his life as separate as possible.

But that meant that since he'd quit the band it'd been all Perrie, and no Liam. He'd thought that he'd been handling Liam's absence well, but as he looked the man stood in front of him up and down he had to admit that he'd been lying to himself. His heart beat a little bit faster just having him this close, and Zayn finally understood that he hadn't been having trouble sleeping - thoughts of whether he'd made the right decision and what ifs playing over and over in his mind - because he missed performing or traveling or the other boys. He'd only missed Liam.

He missed making him smile and hearing him giggle and making fun of his ridiculous dance moves. He missed watching the way Liam threw himself into everything he did 100%, including his friendships. He missed the late nights they'd spent together, still buzzing from their most recent show, cuddled close together so they could hear each other over the silence that suddenly felt so loud.

Whatever was between them had gone unacknowledged, aside from their one fleeting kiss, which they'd laughed off as a joke. But it hadn't felt like a joke to Zayn, not when he'd leaned in and tilted his head just so, his heart trying to beat its way out of his chest, and not when he'd realized how perfectly their mouths slotted together, like it was meant to be. But when he'd pulled away and gotten a look at Liam's face, his eyes wide with surprise, two bright pink spots high on his cheeks, nervous laughter bubbling out of his lips, Zayn had known that it hadn't been the perfect first kiss he'd hoped it would be. Not to Liam. So he'd brushed his feelings aside, as best he could, telling himself that they were just meant to be friends. But it had eaten away at him over the years, and he'd found himself withdrawing, pulling away from Liam and the other boys, keeping more and more to himself, where it was safe. Where there was no chance of being hurt.

But none of that mattered now. Not when Liam was standing right in front of him. 

"Will you please come inside?" he asked quietly, suddenly feeling way too exposed. Cameras could be anywhere, and he didn't want to have to share this moment with anyone but Liam.

Liam shrugged halfheartedly, but he followed Zayn as he turned around and walked towards his living room, and he took a seat on the sofa as soon as Zayn sat down.

"I was really scared you'd never talk to me again," Zayn admitted, his eyes on his hands where they were clasped in his lap.

"But how would you know? Since you never tried?" Liam scoffed, and the noise sounded wrong coming from Liam - his Liam who was always sweet and never bitter. "You never called me, not once. I had to hear that you were leaving from a reporter. Do you know how much that fucking sucked? How embarrassing it was?"

"I'm sorry," Zayn swore, taken aback. "I wasn't trying to hurt you, and I didn't leave just because of Perrie. It was because of a lot of things."

"That's such bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"Everything you've said since you quit has been fucking bullshit. You say you want to be 'normal' but the next time we see you you're coming out of a studio and releasing demos and flying to fucking fashion week. Does any of that sound 'normal' to you, Zayn?"

Zayn stood up, his anger steadily rising, making him feel hot all over. "Did you really come here just to pick apart my life? Because my so-called fans do enough of that, and I certainly don't need to hear it from you too."

"Then what do you want to hear from me, Zayn? What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say that you miss me, and you want me to come back! Or fuck, I dunno, say that you're fine with me quitting but that you still want me in your life. You think it's been easy to see you prancing around onstage night after night, like nothing's changed? Everything's fucking changed, Liam."

Liam got up from the couch, shoving his hands into his pockets before looking up to meet Zayn's eyes. "I do miss you, and I do wish you'd come back. But even if you don't want to, I still want you in my life."

Liam's words were quiet, but the meaning behind them was loud, louder than any crowd they'd ever had, louder than the pounding of Zayn's heart and the rushing in his ears. He smiled slowly, watching intently as Liam did the same, and it suddenly it was just like it used to be, before girlfriends and fame and feelings got in the way. Just two friends with the whole world and a million different possibilities before them.

"See, now was that so hard?" Zayn teased, feeling more like himself than he had in months. "Next time start with that."

"You could have heard it a lot sooner, if you'd bothered to call," Liam said lowly, taking a step towards Zayn.

"I almost did," Zayn admitted. "After the Billboard Awards, when you mentioned me on stage."

Liam blushed, pink flooding his cheeks as he swayed on his feet, his hands still buried in his pockets. "I got in so much shit for that."

"What? Why?"

"The guys...they didn't like it when I brought you up. Said I needed to move on."

Zayn winced, feeling a weight settle down low in his stomach. He'd guessed how they'd reacted - Harry sad, Niall angry, Louis bitter - but he'd done a good job of not thinking of it too much until that moment.

"And did you?"

Liam raised an eyebrow. "Did I what?"

"Did you move on?" Zayn pressed as he looked towards the floor, unwilling to let Liam see how much he needed to hear him say "No".

Liam hesitated, before shaking his head slowly, even as the words began to tumble quickly out of his mouth. "I'm here because I need to know what I'm supposed to be moving on from. You said you had to quit because nothing felt real to you anymore, but nothing's felt real to me since you left. And I don't know if that's just me being stupid and missing something that was never there in the first place, but I hate feeling like this and I hate not knowing if I imagined the whole thing."

Zayn knew immediately what he was talking about, because he'd asked himself the same thing a million times over the last five years. All of the looks and cuddles and kidding around - was it all in his imagination, his brain tricking him into believing that Liam liked him even half as much as he liked him? Did Liam sing to him because he knew that the fans liked it, or was he doing it for the same reason that Zayn serenaded him onstage every night, knowing that it was his only opportunity to say how he really felt?

"You didn't imagine it," Zayn said softly, answering Liam's unspoken question. He took a step towards him, no longer willing to have any space between them, or any more secrets. "It's why I had to leave. It got to be too much, knowing that I couldn't have what I wanted, no matter how much I needed it. I was so close to having everything I ever wanted, but it was all still out of reach. I was in the world's biggest band, but I couldn't sing the kind of songs I wanted to sing. I was rich and famous, but I couldn't get a goddamn haircut without approval from a board of directions. I got to spend every day with the person I loved most, but I knew he'd never let himself love me back."

Zayn held his breath, watching as a flash of anger shot across Liam's face. "You should have said something. You should have given me a chance."

"I didn't want to put you in that position, of either not feeling the same way and having to hurt me, or feeling the same way and having to chose between me and your career."

"So you made the decision for me?"

"It just seemed easier that way, cutting my losses before I got in any deeper. I needed some space, to find out how I felt when I wasn't so wrapped up in the band and the life and...you."

"So, what's the verdict?" Liam asked, finally taking his hands out of his pockets and running them through his hair, a nervous habit Zayn recognized from back when he'd had a head full of curls. It made him smile, a reminder of how long they'd known each other and how much they'd shared.

"Turns out it was pretty easy to step away from it all, and to change everything about my life," Zayn began, reaching out to graze his fingers across the back of Liam's hands, pausing as he watched him turn them over. Liam's fingers spread to make room for his, their hands sliding together like they'd never been apart. Like they were meant to be holding hands always. "Everything but the one thing that's always mattered most. That  _still_  matters most."

Liam squeezed Zayn's hands a little tighter but he remained quiet, his lower lip caught between his teeth.

Zayn narrowed his eyes. "You're gonna make me say it, aren't you?"

"I think I've earned it," Liam said, his voice as bright as his big brown eyes. "After all you've put me through."

Zayn groaned, but inside he was all lit up, electricity shooting through his veins as everything came into focus, finally feeling  _real_  for the first time in ages. "It's you. It's always been you."

And with that Liam was kissing him, and if Zayn had thought that their first kiss, all those years ago, had been perfect, then he had no words for what this was. This was beyond anything he'd ever imagined...this was everything. Their mouths fit together like they were made for each other, and fuck singing or touring or making millions, because  _this_  was what Zayn wanted to be doing for the rest of his life. 

He slid his hands around Liam's strong back, pulling him closer and parting his lips as he imagined just that: a lifetime of kissing Liam. 

A lifetime of loving Liam.


End file.
